Monday, May 23, 2016

Finding Peace.

Another Mother's Day...another negative pregnancy test...but I didn't breakdown! As luck would have it, Sunday morning during worship, I sat next to a woman who had lost a child, a teenager, several years ago. She shared with me later this was the first year for her to attend worship on Mother's Day. Sadly, she became very emotional and wasn't able to stay. It got me thinking again about grief and how tricky it can be. She acknowledged the next day that nothing specific happened to set it some point, it was just too much. I totally get it. Our grief is on different levels, but similar paths.
This morning, I was so completely convinced I was pregnant. I was seven days late with no sign of spotting, cramping, or sugar/salt cravings...very unusual, even for me! I said, negative. Even as I was waiting those LONG three minutes, I was excited to know, but not all...For the first time EVER, I was totally ok with whatever the answer would be.  I was so grateful! Feeling the beautiful fruit of the Spirit for which I had been praying for so long...God granted me His Peace! I know grief will visit again, but that's ok.  My God is big enough to handle whatever I am willing to give Him...and then use it for some good. We serve a mighty God.

Saturday, January 2, 2016


I was just looking at the different countries where this blog has been read.  It's amazing how small the world has become and how common our stories and struggles are for ours to permeate into so many people's hearts.  There's a blog I read regularly called "He Remembers The Barren" and while I do not agree 100% with the author's theology, I have to say she has been a welcomed voice of comfort, faith, and support when I feel completely alone.  Many times, the most recent post is not the most applicable at the time it is published, but sometimes it hits the nail right on the head...these thoughts were inspired by one such post:
There have been so many reasons to feel grateful this past month...spending time with each other and with our families...we both found ourselves saying, 'it's kind of nice that we don't have children...doing things like [spur of the moment dinner dates, afternoons/evenings out] would be so much more complicated if we had to arrange child-care'.  I don't mean to be flip; I'm simply sharing how we express our sense of peace about our circumstances.
I've found that recently, the hardest struggle has been with the world.  The world is a broken, lost, evil place.  The only hope and joy we have is that Christ has conquered the world and given us sweet redemption from the pain and loss to which the world is doomed.  So, it's only fitting that when my eyes are not on Christ, but looking at things/people in the world and of the world that I experience physical pain.  People who are given incredible gifts and not only squander them, but actually abuse them! Our gifts, whatever they may be, are from God and are entrusted to us for a time that they may be used to bring Him glory.  Matthew chapter 25 tells us about the foolish man who hid his master's gold for fear of losing it.  What I see the world doing to its children is so much worse than hiding them! I see them forgotten, abandoned, abused, aborted!! How dare we treat our gifts with such disdain?! It's not grief for my own loss that I feel; it's actual anger and resentment to others.  I can be at peace with my lot in life and be grateful for the gifts I do have, but being at peace while there is such evil in our midst...nearly impossible.
So, where does that leave me? I guess it's a challenge.  If it's so easy for me to see other's failings by not using/cherishing their gifts...that must reflect something about my own life.  What gifts am I hiding or squandering?  As this new year begins, that's my focus! I will show others how grateful I am for my gifts by USING them! :) When you give someone a sweater and you see them actually wear great is that? God has given me the most precious and beautiful gifts imaginable...It's time for me to put them on...I've put on Christ in baptism, so what does that look like?  What WILL it look like?

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Back burner

By no means are we 'done' with this process, but we've come to the decision to put it least for now. It would be so easy to say, "well, they must not really want a child as much as they say"...and that couldn't be further from the truth. However, we are both frustrated with the process and the expense..not to mention the nagging thoughts that we still just really want a biological child.
I came across this quote the other day and it hit me right between the eyes...
"Frustration is when your expectations don't line up with your willingness to make it happen." [If anyone knows who originally said it, please let me know!]
At first, it hurt...being unwilling...sounds a lot like being lazy.  However, I considered that word for a while...unwilling...not have have misgivings...those all seem to be easier to swallow.
Yes, we are hesitant to invest time and money; we have misgivings about the emotional investment; we are not enthusiastic about jumping through hoops to prove to someone that we are capable of providing for and raising a child.  So, hence the frustration.
The youth minister at Webb Chapel Church of Christ had some really wise words a few months ago.  He taught an entire lesson on how to know what God's will for your life may be...he made lots of good points, but the one that stuck went something like this: If God has not blessed you in a certain area; perhaps it is not his will that you use the gifts you do not have! [ that a double-negative?]  I may feel in my heart that I could be THE BEST dancer since Ginger Rogers, but God has certainly not blessed me in that area, so I can know with a fair amount of certainty that being a dancer is not the best way for my life to bring glory to Him.  It made me take a good long look at blessings.
Even though I started this post AGES ago, it seems almost fitting to post it now...the day before Thanksgiving.  I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life and there are so many ways I can use my gifts to serve others.  The last thing I think anyone wants is for their desires to become a stubbling block...we cannot allow the gifts OR the withholding of gifts to drive a wedge between us and God's love and grace.  He is good; He is wise; He is worthy of our trust and praise.
Like I said at the beginning, this is just our story...I don't know if this post will prove to be a period or a comma, but we have faith and hope and love...No matter what, God reigns!

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers! Your support and love mean so much to both of us!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, September 5, 2015


Summer is over...maybe not according to the weather forecast, but in terms of having extra hours in the day to get stuff done, it's gone! Don't get me wrong, it was a great summer filled with family and fun. Important things filled our days and weeks, but sadly, not much progress in terms of The Stack.  So now, as I look at the quickly filling calendar and realize how fast fall will turn into winter, I'm extremely discouraged.  We know all too well the busyness of the orchestra season and the school year. Weekends are not our own. There are late nights followed by early mornings.
A few big things that still need to happen are our 6 hours of parenting classes, CPR/First aid certification, scrapbook, confirmation of insurance timing for the kiddo [keep reading for more on THAT!], and financial reports.
We did get a FEW things done this summer...namely our physicals! lol Our doctor has affirmed she expects us to live long enough to get a kiddo raised up.  ;) We also completed our family trees (they want to know the educational and health background of EVERYONE!), our complete health history, and floor plan/dimensions of our home.
So, back to the insurance - this is interesting since I hadn't considered this an issue previously - We have to ensure we have coverage for a child AT PLACEMENT.  So, kiddo gets born...rights are waived...when we are allowed to bring them home from the hospital, they need to be covered.  This is an issue because there are many things that we probably will not have until the consumation of the adoption 6 months later [like a social security number for the kiddo].  So, if our current insurance will not cover a dependant at birth/placement, only at finalization, we'll have to purchase additional insurance just for the kiddo until that point.  Not a huge deal, but again, just more time and money!
I'm trying to not get too 'down' about all of this and specifically trying NOT to think about all the couples that were at the same orientation as us, not to mention those who attended the June orientation, who probably have all of their stuff done and IN. :(  I am completely apathetic about so much, sometimes I forget my annoying competitive side...the annoying part is that it rarely motivates me to action; it just makes me feel worse about my current worthless a trait is that? lol


Saturday, July 11, 2015

Pushy, pushy, pushy.

So, I've mentioned this before, about adoption being a very proactive experience; we're very purposefully 'making' something happen that is typically reactive. I do want to be the kind of person who does things purposefully, intentionally taking steps to make myself and those around me more like Christ. So, I can't really explain why this annoys me.  Please believe me when I say that I do understand where they are coming from and I'm probably making more of this than it really is.  However, in my completely biased, one-side-of-the-fence, limited point of view, it's a tad ridiculous.
Part of THE STACK is to fill out a spiritual plan for your family. We describe how we came to our faith and how we intend to share that faith with our children. I get it, 'Christian' is right there in the name, so they of course want to make every effort to place children in homes that will teach Christian values. But, come if everything else weren't enough...the prodding into our finances, the required reading and classes, the examination of everything we are and I have to explain,in detail, how I will teach this child whom I know NOTHING about yet? C'mon. I'm sure they just want to ensure we spend at least a few minutes considering that future conversation, but it's not going to be just one conversation or even ten conversations! It's going to be everything my child will see me do, hear me say, feel me imply for the rest of my life.  I'm not going to 'teach' them to be Christian; I'm going to Show them what a Christian life looks/feels/sounds like.   I'm going to teach them the word of God. There is no other plan. Genesis to Revelation...anything less is too little; anything more is too much.

Just FYI, here are the questions.  How would you answer them?

How do you plan to share your faith with your children? Please be specific.
Discuss your thoughts and feelings regarding the importance of parental example in teaching and developing spiritual values in your children.
If you recognize the need for changes within your life to accomplish the outlined plan, please identify what changes are needed and how/when those changes will be initiated and accomplished. Please be specific.

Ephesians 4:29 says to...'build others up according to their needs...'  Forgive me, I'm taking it a little out of context, but how can I explain "specifically" what I will say to teach someone when I don't know them or their needs? We all come to our faith differently albeit similarly.  I know however my child learns, God will provide the words they need to hear. 

On a side note, I'm amazed how much my view of 'openness' with the future birth mother of our child has changed. I not only am willing to have ongoing visitation with her, but I am actually excited at the thought of having her present at holidays and important life events for our child. I pray wherever she is, God is already at work in her heart as well.   

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Poem and the 'old friend'.

Today I closed the door of the nursery
I have kept for you in my heart.
I can no longer stand in its doorway.
I have waited for you there so long.
I cannot forever live on the periphery
Of the dream world we share, and you
Cannot enter my world.
I have fought to bring you across the
Threshold of conception and birth.
I have fought time, doctors, Devils, and
God Almighty.
I am weary and there is no victory.
Other children may someday live in my
Heart but never in your place.
I can never hold you. I can never really
Let you go. But I must go on.
The unborn are forever trapped within the
Living but it is unseemly for the
living to be trapped forever by the
E. Van Clef

Taken from: "Children of Open Adoption" by: Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner

So, so beautiful! Just had to share it!
This is another part of our 'required reading'. I loved this...she describes grief as an 'old friend'. I thought on that for a while...imagine your home, busy, messy, crazy...then, the doorbell rings and someone you haven't seen in 15+ years is on the step. For the sake of the analogy, let's say you're not immediately thrilled to see them, but instead start thinking about all the ways this is NOT the right time for visitors. However, you're a gracious host, so you invite them in, clear off the couch, maybe make up the spare bed, allow them in your world for a short time, but then (hopefully) they leave. The thing about old friends is that they may not be who you would necessarily 'choose' to be with at that moment, but they are updated version of the same old probably know what they're going to say before they say it, but you still allow time for that conversation. But what happens if that old friend decides to take up permanent residence? Anger, resentment, frustration, bitterness? So it is with can pop up unexpectedly, but if allowed a little bit of space and patience, it will move on. I think this is a nice reminder for everyone to give ourselves a break! Have as much patience with your own heart as you do with others'.

Monday, June 8, 2015

A Huge Family Tree

So, I finished reading the first book of our 'required reading': "Dear Birthmother:  Thank you for our Baby" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin.  Such a thought-provoking collection of letters.  So many things were hard to read, but I feel so much better about our future relationship with the birth mother of our baby.  It's hard to put into words, so let me share with you the images that came to my mind as I read the final chapters of this book.  I picture myself with a small toddler in their bedroom saying prayers before bed.  On the wall, there are several frames: a picture of their birth parents, letters from one or both of them, a picture of us all at the hospital, and a picture of us in a courtroom six months later...As we pray, we name each member of our family, praying for grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and we name the birth parents and possibly the biological grandparents, praying for their safety and thanking God for the gift they gave us.  A few years later and a 10 year old child is trying to complete a family tree for a school project.  What a family tree that will be! Putting aside the fear of there being 'empty' branches on which we have no name to insert, to be able to have a visualization of the number of people involved in the bringing about of this amazing child will be so beautiful!
Let me pause to mention a few quotes from the book...
First, this poem that I'm sure you've seen or read at some point:
"Legacy of an Adopted Child"
Once there were two women; who never knew each other
One you do not remember; the other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
one became your guiding star; the other became your sun
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it
the first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name
one gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim
one gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears
one saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears
one gave you up - it was all she could do
one prayed for a child and God led her straight to you
and now you ask me through your tears the age old questions through the years;
heredity or environment - which are you the product of:
neither my darling - neither
just two different kinds of love.
   - Anonymous
Second, the definition of adoption:
"Adoption is the process of accepting the responsibility of raising an individual who has two sets of parents."  They delve pretty far into a discussion on semantics...the gist being, don't label your kids.  You wouldn't introduce them as: Suzie the cesarean daughter or Audra the math illiterate ;) lol  Likewise, your adopted child is simply, YOUR CHILD.  The other thing that stuck out was the phrase 'the process of accepting the responsibility'.  This is not a one-time event that finalizes and completes our family.  This is a life-long commitment to help this child realize their gifts, inherited and learned, to share with the world to bring glory to God.  They will have unique needs that we will have the responsibility to meet.  It is up to us to make 'adoption' a commonplace word in our home so that there is no shroud of mystery.  It is up to us to make available the opportunities to know more about their heritage.
So, back to the family tree:
Imagine your own for a moment...what each branch brought to your life, your childhood, your emotional and spiritual's very humbling for me.  I consider my grandma Betty...her beautiful love for people, ALL people.   Her own dad never set foot in a church building that I know of, but she raised the most Godly and wise man I know! He inherited her love of people and his Dad's musical talents.  Those gifts and passions were then passed on to me in the form of using music to help people. WOW!  I love looking at myself and seeing my Omi's nose, my Papaw's hands which are also my brother's, Mom's eyes and body shape, Dad's cheeks and chin.  All make me, me, but this body is temporary, the legacy I cherish is the legacy of love and compassion for others; the things I've learned from my family and have developed into gifts I can use to share God's love.  When I married Chris, I was not looking for the other half of me...I was made complete and whole when I put on Christ in baptism.  However, I never imagined the gifts that he, and by extension his family, would bring to my life.  I think that's how I would like to explain adoption to our child.  We are a family right now...complete and happy...however, who can possibly predict the gifts and happiness that a child could bring us?  Likewise, this child will have not only my family's legacy of love and faith and Chris' legacy of familial responsibility, but also the genetic heritage of two other people and everything their respective families passed on to them.  This child will have four branches with a direct path to them...yes, we all have our faults, but we forgive those...I'm so excited about the possibilities!