How did we get here?

Chris and I married in May of 2005.  I assumed, as many do, that children would follow in a timely manner.  I took birth control pills for three years naively believing I would know when we were 'ready'.  We were ready when I finally got a 'real' job as an activities director at a nursing home.  We were ready when we bought our first house.  We were ready when we adopted our three animals.  We were ready when those animals were still living after three years! I think you see where this is going...

When we had been officially off birth control and trying to conceive for one year, I went to the doctor wanting answers.  Simple, quick, fix-it answers.  He response was simple and very quick, but broke my heart.  Infertile? Seriously? Me? What did I do wrong? Why? 

I remember feeling so embarrassed. An odd emotion looking back...why not anger? why not confusion? Sadness, yes. But mostly, embarrassment.  I think for the next two years, Chris and I were both in a little bit of denial.  Surely, just a little more time would do the trick.  'Oh yes, I see what you're doing God.  Sure, we'll wait on you.  We have faith."  

When 2011 came around, we started talking about adoption.  Only between Chris and I because I was still very embarrassed.  How silly would I look when I shared my diagnosis of infertility and then turned up pregnant just months later?  So, we attended a one-day seminar all about fostering and adoption.  Rather I should say a one-morning seminar.  Everything was great until a very good-intentioned person in a session about fostering-to-adopt said very matter-of-factly, "This is not a cure for infertility.  If you have not worked through your own issues, don't put that pressure on a child.  They are not there to fix you." ouch. [Cue the waterworks. Exit hastily stage right.] Truth hurts kiddo.  

So, my wonderful husband held my hand the entire way home and filled my ears and heart with words of encouragment, love, and an unwavering faith that something wonderful was meant for us..."You're all I need; everything else is icing." 

It was after this that I began to share my heartache with others and began to acknowledge my emotions for what they were...grief for a very real, but intangible hard-to-put-your-finger-on-it loss.  I cried for the child I did not have, for the child I may never know, for the family I had imagined.  Grief is tricky; it sneaks up on you.  The families at the grocery store, the fussy toddlers in worship services, diaper commercials, the beautiful and exciting announcements of other's pregnancies! Constant reminders everywhere.  I know enough to know that men and women grieve differently, but other than that, all I can say is, we took turns.  When I was having a rough time, he held me.  When he was asking more questions and researching possibilities, I listened.  

In January of 2014, we were 'ready' again.  But this time, we were different.  We got very specific in our prayers.  We just want to be parents.  Even if that means our child is born of another woman, I want to be 'Mom'.  We contacted Christian Homes and Family Services in Abilene, Texas.  We had since moved on from that area, but still remembered the name and figured it was a good a place as any to get started.