Well that just figures...

We were THERE! Emotionally ready, psyched about taking those first steps to achieving our dream! It was only a matter of time!
After contacting Christian Homes, we learned their process began with a preliminary application that included references from several people: parents, church elders, ministers, neighbors... So, this was not going to be a quiet/private process.  We were going to have to let everyone 'in' on our plans. Ok, that's cool.  We got started.
Of course, everyone was just as excited and eager to help in any way! We are so blessed!
However, just as the paperwork started to get submitted...the little boxes of our checklist were getting checked off...I had a feeling.  A gut feeling.  I had since chunked out all my charting sheets that had been maticulously documented with every temperature fluxuation, odd feeling, hormonal swing that had occured in the past three years, so I really had to use my brain, a scary thought! How many days had it been? I couldn't be...but what's going on? Knowing the next box on the checklist involved the payment for the orientation weekend, I wanted to be absolutely sure before writing that check.  So, on a whim, I stopped by the store on my way home.  I took two tests because it was beyond anything I dared think possible. I was pregnant.  Through tears of joy, the one thought that kept coming was...'if this moment is all I get, it's more than I thought possible'.  I had that thought again when Chris got home.  At least I, for one time, got to experience the pure joy and elation at telling the man I love more than anything in the world that I was carrying his baby.  It was perfect.
The following three days were filled with so much joy.  But on Monday morning, that gut feeling was gone...something was wrong..I just knew it.  Long story short, by the following Thursday, it was officially a miscarriage.  There are no words, so I won't try, but I will say a special thank you to the wonderful people in my life who acknowledged this as a real loss and shared in my grief.  The validation you offered meant the world to me.
So, what now? For the first time in six years I had something that I had only dreamt of having...a chance.  If it happened once, it could happen again!   Chris and I decided to put the orientation on hold and give it a few more months.  A 'few more' turned into nine.
I'm going to go on a tanget for just a bit to share my feelings on fertility treatments.  Everyone has to make up their own mind what will work for them: emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  There are things we were just NOT going to do, expenses we were NOT going to incure, and chances we were NOT going to take. However, Clomid seemed harmless enough.  Well, my body just didn't care for it.  Not only did it not work, but it made me feel really horrible for an entire week afterwards, both times.  So, no more of that.  Again, we had already come to terms with the question of whether we wanted to 'get pregnant' or 'be parents' more.  Very different things.  We decided to put our energies towards 'becoming parents', not 'getting pregnant'.